He smiled at me
And innocently cared
I hated to accept the gift
But welcomed it unconsciously
Because in truth I didn't mind

To him it was his normal way
But to me, It was an addictive effect

It affected me like a jolt through my body
and falling to the ground afterwards,
I became suddenly abnormal
I lost my cool
My protectiveness
my control

He was a sin
The alcohol I'm not suppose to drink
a poison that if I took
would bring me ruin

This is the trouble with me and men
The good ones are out of reach
& the ones I couldn't bear
Pours in like a strong fall of rain

and the bliss
is like the wind blowing
you can feel it
but it's not there

I didn't like the night lights, I said
You were bored, you said
We both don't dance
but we love coffee
"lets go to my place and hang out!" I said
You said you'll bring your guitar
to my delight
i offered to teach you how to make the perfect cup
You'll make your famous salad
and strum those strings
we'll sing songs
and tell each other stories
that will make us both laugh and cry
Then well end the night with a handshake and a smile
We had fun but dared not say it
because it was unexpectedly pleasant
And to think we barely knew each other
Suddenly you became someone I am scared of
A curious possibility
That will make my stomach turn
& I wont be able to eat or sleep
and you, I wont be able to stop thinking about
Suddenly I became silent
as the phone kept ringing
I wouldn't pick up
knowing it was you

I was looking at the floor while walking
Because they were looking at me
I looked up and forward
Then I saw you

I sat impatiently in my station
As I listened to the ticking of the clock
I talk with my mouth
But I speak with my heart

I write my heart out
because this uncontrollable feeling
is what I hate
it can't be shoved away

It takes over me senseless
and make me do silly things
like fall on the floor while walking
or put my knees in convulsion
or go to a place where I know I'll see you
but tell myself I'm going there so I can be alone

away from the eyes that watches me
I never wanted their sighs of complaints or compliments
I just wanted yours

Like it was my birthday, things are going my way
(even if things are just really going it's own way)
I am starting to warm-up to the idea of coming out of this dingy shell
I suddenly wanted to try new things
even if it ain't my thing

I feel like I don't need the sun and moon to brighten my nights and days
i feel like the sun myself

I am liking my unruly hair
and my shapeless body
my disgraceful grace
and my ginger toes

It's a nice feeling
to feel beautiful even if nobody tells you that you are
It's nice to feel you don't have to be alone
And I've always known this to be true
but never believed,
because I never tried

Often I would find myself choosing to be at the park in the dark
with music as my only companion
Thinking deep inside that I have to learn to be alone
because someday, I just might end up like one..
and I shouldn't cry

But who says I have to cry anyway
or that I have to end up that way?
when I have a choice not to

when I can say yes to a dinner invitation for once
enjoy a conversation with mom
jump for joy after paying the bills
treat myself to an expensive meal for once

make plans and actually do it
get a facial
buy a new pair of shoes
leave for out of town
dance the night away

stop the worry for a little and just put that smile back on
and slowly let go...
forget you were stupid once
forget that you ever cried
forget your 31

I count scars in bed to fall asleep,
I wake up to a breath of cigarette smokey air -
I drown myself with truffle coffee
I choke myself with vanilla truffle
I hum to the tune of "I love rock & roll"
My emotion is my rhythm
I dance with my head
My hand is a god
paper is the instrument
life is my universe
i will travel it with the speed of life
travel the darkness and pass on the light

Linakad ko ang Seatle’s Best sa Festival Mall mula sa Northgate

para lang makabili ng paborito kong “Almond Mocha Joy”

“For take out” sabi ko sa barrista

matapos ay dali-daling bumalik sa opisina para antayin si Janry

sumakit ang paa ko kakalakad

at para akong nanggaling sa gym sa dami ng inilabas kong pawis

at ginawa ko ang kalokohan na ito dahil lamang sa

Alas siyete y media na at tapos na ang trabaho,

maganda ang umaga,

at mahal ko ang kape

tenkyu.

getting older sucks
when you feel like a child in a body slowly aging

I still have a lot to learn
I'm still feeling vulnerable
no matter how independent I try to be

I take care of myself
and I take care of others
but i still feel like a baby

-incapable of doing anything without help
and very much capable of crying

feeling too much and complaining
when i don't know what to do

I have traveled many miles to find out who I am
hoping that perhaps a moving scene can bring out the fullness in me
the liveliness I have hoped me to be
and found nothing but new places and faces
whose magnitude would mean nothing to me



I have searched for my roots to find what I am worth
for lately i have become the faded ruby that I am today
and i have felt like a worthless piece of rock
amongst the dust where I came from,
I recovered the past
from the familiar places and faces
and the people near my heart
and it's magnitude meant everything to me



It is me I see from their eyes
It is me I know when we speak together of today
It was sometimes lively and sometimes not
but it had felt like I could not hope for anything but to be me

i forgot about my eye...
only remembered it when it was gone
same with my tongue
i keep slurring it about
making fun of it
now i can't eat...
I miss chocolate and chips
if i eat them it would hurt

i always say i dont get sick
i think God did that on purpose
because he gave me a disease when i was born
that should make up for all the illness i should be geting in my normal days
i should consider myself lucky
I should start thanking God
Because it all had happened
and I am too old to realize it now
appreciation came too late
It is almost unwelcome
because the doors have closed long ago
and the keys are gone

I cant help it
cuz i miss my eye so much
and i cant even say it cuz the disease got my tongue too
cant wait for them to come back
for my eye to peep at me and shine "hello"
cant wait to say hello back with my red tongue
and get out of this freakin' house
and start eating what i damn please

A day ago I was the same as today

 

A week ago I was a speaker

A doctor of faith

A writer of character

A yielding servant of the oppressed and the oppressor

 

A month ago, I was in a crossroads

Between the dreadful and the ghastly

And the only choice I had was nothing at all

 

A year ago, I was a child

With gems in my eyes

Only to be crushed

By my renegade naivety

 

Today I was the same as yesterday

 

A little mass of a thing

Thrown about and worn-out

Unreceptive, submissive

Deathly and clever

To have found out

That a piece of cancer is just as well

As what had it all been

It was a denial

A song is playing in my head

Contradicting the outer of my being

Against the smile on my face

Against the words that came out of me

It was a hymn of sadness

Of a dream not broken

Because it was a dream not realized

A life not lived

A right begotten

But not exercised

There was nothing to bribe it away with

It was not even welcomed!

It was created without me knowing it

So from this day onward, I realized

Denial takes more effort to endure over and over

And for every waking moment of every single day!

Is disastrous

I have to change plans

Though it would seem me not being true to my words,

I am actually being true to it for once after all

As I paced about, I was slow and heavy inside

Though I am awake, I am dreaming

Seeing things as with closed eyes

It would be an enticing thought to do things differently this time

Maybe find it sweeter

To stride with the slowness to match the inside

And create a portrait as close to my imaginings

And not just paint it

Live it and do what anybody wouldn’t dare doing

Declare that I am alive and breathing

That I have a good family

Wonderful friends

Who gave me nothing but the truth

It is only fair I give it back

To them and to the world

It was a dare to live disastrously

Since it was my choosing

It is my semi-joy

My cat Yagit died during Frank's (the storm) visit
I almost cried while talking to mom as she told me the story
we would let him sleep in the garage temporarily until he is potty trained
but then the storm had to come
and i did nothing but worry about wearing my rainproof outfit for work
and so i left the house without giving my Yagit a blanket for warmth
Initially, I didnt like Yagit's wobbly eyes, it actually secretes extra mucus because his eyes aren't aligned

but i fell in love with his resilience
and he was brave for a small cat
he'd eat off all the dog's food and the dogs cant even go near him
I have plans of making him the fat cat with wobbly eyes
but no longer will i get to see that
no more will a little gray cat be brushing my feet
no more will he bring my mom laughter (kase muka daw cya dumi sa sahig)

he left me so soon

Paalam Yagit
naway maging masaya, mataba ka diyan sa langit

So I’m shy & boring & corny… but that’s me

I may be weird but I know I’m a good person

I try not to complain even if it’s hard for me to do

And I often fail at it ... But I try not to offend anybody

I’m honest most of the time

—Except for myself, at least

And I do what I can with what I have and what I can do…

I share it willingly

I do what I can to live by doing what had to be done while trying not to forget the significant things… I try to have fun too

And most of the times, if the people around me are happy,

I am happy too

I may lack in showing my appreciation sometimes, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know how to appreciate

I may not know how to react to the normal stimuli but I muster every emotion in me…in other people I encounter

It may seem I didn’t notice you moving away

But I did and it was horrible on my inside

I’m just as human as you are

Just as imperfect…

It’s sad if you don’t understand the complex me, but I’m happy anyway you came by my way

And thankful we had our moments

Eager never the less for life…

Hoping... Knowing someday soon, I’ll be able to get the things I don’t understand now…

And I can’t wait till the time comes when I do…

So what if I am what I am? I’m sorry that it didn’t work out between you and me,

Because you had to say goodbye or you wanted to…

Though you were never really a friend, a lover or an inspiration, it was nice to know you anyway…

Thanks…

You can swing by my way anytime…